If you need a loo break while exploring the galaxy in No Man’s Sky, there’s a surprising number to choose from. We rank the best toilets the game has to offer.
As Starfield sucks up all the oxygen in the room, it’s worth taking a moment to remember the other impossibly epic sandbox space game, No Man’s Sky. Right now, it’s enjoying its seventh anniversary and another of its traditionally epic updates – this time including robot bodies, Star Wars-style trench runs and a big stick you can decorate however you like.
As Starfield’s fans take to the internet to show off their starship creations, the game will be lucky if it achieves the level of creativity we’ve seen in No Man’s Sky’s base-building communities. No Man’s Sky has equipped its Travellers with vast tech trees full of customisable base parts, props and decorations. But despite that, in seven years of updates, there is one crucial element that developer Hello Games hasn’t seen fit to offer its players.
In all of the base options available, you will not find a single toilet.
Of course, the No Man’s Sky player base is a creative lot, and haven’t let this stop them. Not content to defecate into their spacesuits like spaceborne animals (with apologies to Laika), players have taken the construction elements No Man’s Sky has offered them and made their own toilets.
So in their honour, we’ve voyaged across the galaxy to find the very best places to drop a load. If you’re caught short in a galaxy far far away, we did notice a few trends on our travels that will help you find a public convenience as quickly as possible.
Firstly, go big or go at home. Don’t ask us why, but for some reason in deep space, indoor plumbing is considered a luxury only to be found in the largest and most ornate base constructions. Bases designed to resemble bars, clubs or hotels are usually your best bet. Also, be prepared to spend a lot of time looking – as well as not providing a toilet-shaped base component, Hello Games has also yet to provide clear signage for the Little Gek’s Room, so expect a lot of rushing around corridors checking the doors tucked slightly out of the way.
Also, a disproportionate number of the toilets we found were by the player Mr Phishead (Rich Schmitt).
We have included portal addresses and coordinates for all the toilets listed here, which are all in the Euclid Galaxy (the one you start the game in). However, you can also find most of them (and many more bases) at the Portal Repository.
6. The New Overlook Hotel
Planetary Coordinates: +12.91, -66.17
Venue: A meticulously constructed replica of the hotel where Jack Torrence was told by ghosts to murder his entire family with an axe in Stanley Kubrick’s movie, The Shining. It features a hedge maze, a ghost bartender, and creepy twins in a hallway with a tricycle.
Toilet Review: A simple affair where the toilet itself has been created by putting a plate on a seat and positioning a small flag nearby to pose as toilet paper, set against a rustic log cabin aesthetic. Pleasant enough, although the words RED RUM in alarming purple letters across the mirror will ensure you wash your hands in a hurry.
5. Club Malibu
Planetary Coordinates: -66.41, -150.79
Venue: A classy little tropically-themed nightclub full of flashing lights and thumping tunes. Exactly the sort of place you’d end up when the pubs have closed but everyone’s just slightly too inebriated to go straight home. Make sure you use a portal interface to get home so you’re not flying drunk.
Toilet Review: The toilet itself is an industrial-looking contraption that seems to have been fitted with some sort of laser bidet. Still, overall it’s the perfect space for popping in to touch up your make-up and have your girlfriends persuade you not to text your ex.
4. SS Osprey
Planetary Coordinates: +4.26, +155.22
Venue: A giant neon space battleship with an enormous, constantly pulsing engine room, and several decks full of gun turrets, bombing stations, briefing rooms and crew quarters. What this starship carrier lacks in stealth it more than makes up for in yet more neon lighting.
Toilet Review: You don’t join the Space Navy for a fancy bathroom suite, but the Osprey’s toilets do add a little to their sister toilets over at the Overlook Hotel. Here mr_phishead has added a cistern and flush handle to his previous seat-and-bowl arrangement, and the décor is the kind of robust furnishing you want when doing your business aboard a giant flashing light that is also a viable military target.
3. Purple Dome Gourmet Restaurant
Planetary Coordinates: -32.67, -78.30
Venue: The most upmarket of gastronomic establishments, when you arrive at the Purple Dome Gourmet Restaurant you’ll be greeted by a delightful garden, complete with a water feature, and will then be led into the fabulously ornate construction of the restaurant itself. A labyrinth of walkways and teleports, you can spend ages exploring this building’s various nooks and crannies, with every possible dining venue you could desire.
Toilet Review: To find the toilet itself, you must venture into the very bowels of the restaurant where, instead of a high-end dining establishment, you’ll find a dive bar complete with one-armed bandits and a futuristic-looking pool table. In a corner of the room, between two Atlas statues, you’ll find the restaurant’s sole toilet. Tragically, when we attended, the concierge appeared to be off duty.
The toilet itself is a simple, functional design that resembles a typical WC even more than mr_phishead’s previous efforts, with the light table seat taking the edge of the laser bidet seen at Club Malibu.
2. Laccler Monolith Monastery
Planetary Coordinates: -20.87, -11.53
Venue: A vast monastery built in honour of the mysterious alien monolith at its centre, legendarily built by a wealthy Gek trader who had a spiritual epiphany. As well as the hallowed halls of the monastery itself, visitors can also visit the holy place’s port, where an old-fashioned sailing ship has moored up for you to explore.
Toilet Review: It’s a big monastery, so the toilet takes some finding, but when you do this is a perfectly shaped plumbing contraption apparently fitted with a robot arm to save you the trouble of wiping. While this feature is what allowed the monastery to rank above the similar toilet at the Purple Dome, it’s probably also not for the faint of heart.
1. Big Banana Base
Planetary Coordinates: +13.21, +135.94
Venue: Atop a Colossal Archive on the planet Fribble, stands a monolith to human creativity. A single giant, golden banana, glinting in the sunlight. This astounding and surreal creation is not just a giant piece of fruit, it also contains a fully functioning base with all the usual amenities, including a bedroom, a nice little kitchen, a bedroom and, crucially, a bathroom.
Toilet Review: There is, frankly, no contest here. This toilet has everything. A round, comfortable-looking toilet seat. A toilet roll that looks like an actual toilet roll rather than a bit of flag. A flush, a nearby sink, and even a plunger if necessary.
A true masterpiece of the toiletry arts, if you find yourself in need in the depths of space, our best advice is to look for the giant banana.
Of course, this would be no tale of space exploration without a bit of myth and legend thrown into the mix, and so we must tell you the story of the Giant Golden Toilet of Unea Prime.
The story goes that once, back in the Ancient Times (about four years ago), the call went out for builders across the Euclid Galaxy to come to one planet and build a great city. The idea was to see how many huge builds could be constructed in one place. Many towering skyscrapers were built there, and the planet was supposedly a wonder to behold.
Among those constructions, it is said a vast golden toilet was built, with a humongous plunger and enough toilet paper to write the entire sum of human knowledge upon. Obviously, in researching this article, we were honour-bound to attempt to witness this vast cosmic commode.
However, on arriving at Unea Prime, there was no longer any great metropolis here. The game had undergone many updates since that ancient time, and the progenitor race of builders never returned to reupload their bases. While a few lone towers still stand, most are gone. Where there should have been a giant golden toilet, there are only the lone and level sands that stretch far into the distance.